Your feelings? Or mine?

I've been struggling with a lot of different things lately.

One of my main struggles is how to respond to people when they ask if I have kids.

I do.

Inevitably, their next question is "How many?"

I've only been asked this question twice since Leah, Rachel and Gabriel died and I'm almost ashamed to admit that I answered "one - a stepson."  But I don't want to keep answering this way, so I'm trying to work it all out in my head so I can respond better next time.

Because in my head and heart I want to answer FOUR!  I have four beautiful children.  But if I answer four the next question will be "how old are they?"

Well, my stepson is almost 7 and then ... how do I say this so it doesn't make you uncomfortable?  My other three children are dead.  I had triplets that died shortly after they were born.  I have babies in heaven that would be ___ old if they were alive. Which one is the most comfortable answer?

That's right, there is no comfortable answer.

Yet, why do I care so much if they're comfortable?  Whose feelings matter most in my life - mine or theirs?

Of course, mine.  It's my life, they are my children. Why do I care so much about how it makes other people feel?

I wish it was easier, I wish I was stronger.

But I think the only way it will become easier is to start giving them the truth.

No matter how uncomfortable it is.

 
Wish it could be easy, why is life so messy, why is pain a part of us