Writing about the birth - and death - of our Leah, Rachel and Gabriel was very hard, but something I know I'll appreciate having. Knowing that whenever I want to, I can read my thoughts and reflect and remember those precious, yet horrific moments seems to help a little.
It's been two weeks since we said hello and goodbye. And just like many would expect, it's been a roller coaster as we try to find our new "normal."
Through the three deliveries, I had lost a lot of blood (over a liter, I think they said...) and while I was feeling fine physically the next morning, my blood counts kept getting lower and lower (If I remember correctly, normal is around 11-12, at one point I was down to 6-7). So I ended up getting two blood transfustions.
What I didn't know about transfusions was that each transfusion was going to take around two hours, and then we'd have to wait five to six hours after the last one ended to check my blood again. It was around noon when they started the first transfusion, so we knew that if we were going to be discharged on Tuesday it would be late. Thankfully, Dr. Wolfe understood that we wanted to go home and told us that as long as my blood counts came back OK, they would discharge us, regardless of the time.
As the evening went on, waiting for the blood count to come back, I asked Andy if we could see our babies once before we left. I needed to see them all together. They had spent five months growing inside me together, and while we had time with each baby individually, it was important that the last time I see them on earth (even though they're already happy in heaven) be a time that they're all together. Right away, Andy said he wanted to see them, also.
Maddie (our favorite nurse) told us my blood counts came back OK and they were working on the discharge papers (it was after 10). Andy started taking our stuff to the car (we had accumulated a lot in the 2+ weeks we were there) and Maddie went over my discharge papers with me. I them told her that after everything was done, signed, we would like to see our babies before we left. As soon as everything was taken care of, Maddie brought us our babies.
I will never forget those moments. Seeing our children together, laying side by side, looking like they were sleeping, will be the memories that I will see first when I think of them. When I talk of them, I will see the beautiful, yet different, faces looking peaceful. When others ask how I am doing, I will see our three side by side, knowing that they never will experience the pain of this world.
Andy and I prayed for them, we put our hands on them, Andy sang to them, I kissed each baby and then we said our goodbye.
Those were - are - beautiful moments.
We left University Hospitals, hand in hand, holding back tears (or sometimes letting them out). It was an overwhelmingly emotional moment. Saying goodbye to what had been our "home" was harder than I expected. Don't get me wrong, I was so thankful to be going to our real home, sleeping in our own bed, getting my own food whenever I wanted, feeling human again. Yet, here we were, leaving the hospital without our babies. As a pregnant woman, you don't enter a hospital pregnant and expect to leave without your babies. Whether they are still growing inside you or in your arms, they're with you. I now had to leave the place that carried the most hope for our babies, the best care and go home empty.
I cried myself to sleep that night, but I was thankful to do it in Andy's arms. I knew the road before us was going to be rough and long, but I knew we could do it together.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
We spent the next few days together. We found an "excuse" to get out of the house every day - groceries, little things for home improvement stuff, out for lunch, etc. We watched TV. We rested. We cried. We felt loved.
We got together with our parents and shared our memories with them. Our parents met Leah, Rachel and Gabriel through their memory boxes. Not the way any grandparent wants to meet their grandchildren, but this was the only way we had to offer and we felt it was important for them to meet them.
The following Monday Andy went back to work. He worked from home that day, so it wasn't like I was alone (plus Mindy came up to visit) but, this was one step toward our new normal. When he went to the office on Tuesday I didn't realize how much I would miss him. I kept busy, but it wasn't the same. Andy and I hadn't spent more than a few hours apart for the past month. Even when he was working, he was always by my side.
The love and support we've been receiving from family and friends has been overwhelming. Don't get me wrong, nothing can truly help us heal except for time, but people do help. Sometimes it's more painful, though. Sometimes reading through the cards, especially if we've had a "good day" just reminds us of all we've lost - all our hopes, dreams, prayers.
Don't get me wrong, I would much rather have people remember our babies and acknowledge their existence, even if it's only with cards.
But it doesn't make it any easier.
Then again, nothing about this process has been easy.
So for now, we (continue to) take it a day at a time and find our new normal.
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