10.28.13 - Special Place

Day 28 - Special Place

A sugar maple tree is planted at my parents' house in honor and memory of Leah, Rachel and Gabriel.  Having this place in their side yard, in the heart of the family, is a place full of life, a place full of love.  I look forward to watching this tree grow, produce leaves, see the leaves turn beautiful shades of orange, see the leaves on the ground, and then repeat the cycle every spring.

10.26.13 - Community

Day 26 - Community
What does this community mean to you?

Having people, having friends, to talk to, vent, cry, people that just get it means so much.  I hate that this community has to exist but I am glad that I have found support.

10.25.13 - #sayitoutloud

Day 25 - #sayitoutloud
If you could say anything out loud about your journey with grief with the death or your baby, what would it be? What do you want the world to know? Is there a cause that touches your heart that you want to raise awareness for?


My children are real!  Truly, if I could say anything about to anyone, it would be a reminder, or the knowledge that my babies are real.  They are real people.  And while they're time here on earth was short, it doesn't dimish their lives one bit.

I just read in "Cross Roads" that Every human being is a universe within themselves.  Your mother and father participated with God to create a soul who would never cease to exist.

 

10.24.13 - Artwork

Day 24 - Artwork

When we were in the hosptial, Pastor Jan gave us a sign that said "May every sunrise bring more promise and every sunset bring more peace."  This resonated so closely with us at the time and continued to after their deaths. 

One day this summer I really wanted to paint pottery, but didn't know what to paint.  I decided I would try to paint a sunrise.  (I'm not an artist.  I express myself through music, NOT through drawing or painting.  Most of my pottery paintings are stenciled or are more designs, not freehand, but I was feeling moved)  I found a picture online that I used as my guide and I think the finished result turned out beautifully.  It's a great reminder that even in death, even in grief, even at our low points, the sun still rises, God still grants us a new, beautiful day.

10.23.13 - Tatoos/Jewelry

Day 23 - Jewelry

A few weeks after Leah, Rachel and Gabriel died was Father's Day.  I wanted to get Andy something from - or in honor of - the triplets and while I was searching for him, I came across The Vintage Pearl.  They make BEAUTIFUL pieces and finally, after much consideration (including many reminders that this doesn't have to be my ONLY piece of jewelry ever - that they are my children, and I can remember them however I want with as many pieces of jewelry as I want - I decided on the "Golden Heart" necklace.

I was overwhelmed when it came and I opened it.  It was beautiful and simple and perfect.  I now wear it almost every day - it's how I keep them close at heart.

10.22.13 - Words

Day 22 - Words

I could write and write and write about this one.  I could share hundreds of quotes and scriptures, thousands of song lyrics, so I'll try to share the most important ones, or the ones that mean the most right now.

The lyrics to I Want You Here by Plumb have been in my head on repeat since I heard it perform it live and learned it was about a friend of hers who's baby died.

An ache so deep that I can hardly breath
This pain can't be imagined
Will it ever heal?
 
I want to scream "Is this a dream?"
How could this happen, happen to me?
This isn't fair. This nightmare.
This kind of torture, I just can't bear.
I want you here.   I want you here.

I waited so long for you to come
You were here and now you're gone
I was not prepared for you to leave me
Oh, this is misery

God, help me.

God, help me.

God help me breathe!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Another song that has meant a lot to me has been Not For a Moment by Meredith Andrews

After all You are constant.
After all You are only good.
After all You are soveriegn.
Not for a moment will You forsake me.

You were singing in the dark, 
whispering Your promise
even when I could not hear.
I was held in Your arms,
carried for a thousand miles to show
not for a moment did You forsake me.

In every step, every breath you are there.
Every tear, every cry, every prayer.
In my hurt, at my worst, when my world falls down.
Not for a moment will You forsake me.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~Some quotes that have really stuck with are:
 
The agony is great and yet I will stand it.  Had I not loved so much I would not hurt so much.  But goodness know I would not want to diminish that precious love by one fraction of an ounce.  I will hurt.  And I will be grateful for that hurt for it bears witness to the depth of our meaning.  And for that I will be eternally grateful.  ~ Dr. Elisabeth Kubler - Ross
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Grief lasts longer than sympathy, which is one of the tragedies of the grieving ~ Elizabeth McCracken "An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination"
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
If a mother is mourning not for what she lost but for what her dead child has lost, it is a comfort to believe that the child has not lost the end for which it was created.  And it is a comfort to believe that she herself, in lsoing her chief or only natural happiness, has not lost a greater thing, that she may still hope to "glorify God and enjoy Him forever."  A comfort to the God-aimed, etermal spirit within her.  But not to her motherhood.  The specifically maternal happiness must be written off.  Never, in any place or time, will she have her son on her knees, or bathe him, or tell him a story, or plan for his future, or see her grandchild.

Still, there's no denyning that in some sense I "feel better," and with that comes at once a sort of shame, and a feeling that one is under a sort of obligation to cherish and foment and prolong one's unhappiness.

Grief is like a long valley, a winding valley where any bend may revewl a totally new landscape.  As I've already noted, not every bend does.  Sometimes the surprise is the opposite one; you are presented with exactly the same sort of country you thought you had left behind miles ago.  That is when you wonder whether the valley isn't a circular trench.  But it isn't.  There are partial recurrences, but the sequence doesn't repeat. ~ C. S. Lewis "A Grief Observed"
~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 

 
 

10.21.13 - Honor

Day 21 - Honor
Is there anything that you have done to honour your baby since they died? Did you give back to the community? Make a conscious decision to live as beautifully as possible? Take on the role of helping others in your situation? Maybe you work as an advocate for breaking the silence for our community.

I really had to think about this one.  I think I've honored Leah, Rachel and Gabriel in a lot of small ways, but I can't really display these acts.  It wasn't until October 15th that I had enough strength to honor them and post their names on Facebook for our family and friends to see as well as spread awareness about pregnancy and infant loss. 

10.20.13 - Hope

Day 20 - Hope
Do you have hope for the future? What do you hope for those who will join this club in the future.

Of course I have hope for the future.  Throughout our complications and death of our children, hope has always been alive.  Sometimes it's been harder to find, like the sun behind a cloud, but it's always been there.

I hope that for people who will join this babyloss club that they know that they aren't alone.  I hope that they find comfort from people like me, like I have found comfort from others.  I also hope that they know it's okay to ask for help.  It's GOOD to seek help and find others that understand.  I hope they don't feel ashamed to share their precious children with the world.

10.19.13 - Support

Day 19 - Support
Share about what has been the best support for you since the loss of your baby. Maybe it is a special friend or family member? A pet? An organization? What have they done for you? Where would you be without them?

Hands down, my husband has been the best support for me.  He is always there to listen, hold me, let me cry.  He never judges, he never tells me to stop.  He accepts me for who I am and who I am in that moment.

I cannot imagine life without him - and I don't want to.  When I feel weak, he's there to hold me up, when I'm tired, he's there to rock me to sleep, and when I'm happy, he's there smiling along.

10.17.13 - Time

Day 17 - Time

4 months, 2 weeks & 6 days.

143 days. 

10.15.13 - Wave of Light

Day 15 - Wave of Light
Today is October 15th Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Light a candle at 7pm to help create a continuous wave of light around the world for 24 hours. Photograph your light! Please remember to share your location for this day as well. Wishing you all a ton of love for this sacred day of remembrance.

I have my fall choir concert tonight - this was planned while I was still pregnant, before I knew anything about Pregnancy/Infant Loss Rememberance Month or Day - and couldn't reschedule.  That being said I so desperately want to be a part of this wave of light - especially during the 7 o'clock hour (when my concert will be happening).  So, this morning, I placed these flameless candles on our front porch to shine all day and will shine through the wave of light.  We placed three candles in honor and memory of Leah, Rachel and Gabriel. (We're suppose to have rain today, so there's plastic wrap over them to keep the candles burning.)

Today I say many prayers, not just for my children, but for the children I've learned of since Leah, Rachel and Gabriel died.  I pray for the babies that family and friends have shared with us that we'll never meet, the babies of friends I've met through online and in person support groups, and for all the babies I'll never know about.  Today I also give so many prayers for the families of these children.  I guess the more I think about it, our babies don't need our prayers, they're pain and suffering (if there was any) is over, but for us that live without them, I pray we find peace and a way to keep their legacies and memories alive.

I pray that you, reading this, will take a moment to remember my Leah, Rachel and Gabriel and all of the babies we may or may not know about. 

10.14.13 - Family

Day 14 - Family
What does you family look like now? Is it just yourself carrying your child’s heart in yours? Do you have other children? A partner? A pet? You may not have what society perceives as a family but we all know that just because you cannot see any children, that does not mean that they are not a part of your family.

I am blessed to have an amazing husband, a stepson and large, loving family.  This is the last family picture I have of Leah, Rachel and Gabriel alive.  I've wanted to take new pictures, but just can't bring myself to capture a new image yet.  One day I will, and their necklace (or something else) will be present in the picture, but for now, I cling to this family picture. 

10.13.13 - Book

Day 13 - Book
Have you read a book about grief that helped you immensely in your journey of grief? 

There are a few books that I've read that have helped immensely in this journey.  The top three are C.S. Lewis' A Grief Observed, Elizabeth McCracken's An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination, and William P. Young's The Shack.

All three books are about different things - Lewis talks about the death of his wife, McCracken about the birth of her still born and Young about the abduction and death of his young daughter - but all three touched me in so many different ways.   There are many quotes I wrote down that I look at from time to time. 

10.11.13 - Emotional Triggers

Day 11 - Emotional Triggers 

There are so many triggers that set me off in an array of emotions. Beautiful sunsets and sunrises, beautiful skies in general. 

Anything in a set of threes. I see sets of threes and automatically think of the triplets. Similarly, seeing twins sets me off on a roller coaster. I know, I wasn't having twins, but when I see identical twins, I picture Leah and Rachel. And when I see multiples, in general, I think about how I don't get to be considered part of that special club any more. 

In the beginning, seeing pregnant women and newborns through elementary age children was difficult. While I'd never wish this on my worst enemy, I often thought, why does she get to still be pregnant? Or why won't I ever see my babies turn 5?  These things mad me very mad. 

Of course, there are many songs that have been emotional triggers. Songs about sad situations to songs that remind me that I'm not - and can't be - in control. 

While I don't always like my feelings that accompany these triggers, I do enjoy being reminded of my babies. And if that's what I have to go through to keep them with me, so be it. 

10.10.13 - Belief

Day 10 - Belief

I believe that Leah, Rachel and Gabriel are in heaven. 

I believe they are being held and rocked and sang to by our grandparents and friends that have passed on. I have this beautiful picture of our grandparents fighting over who gets to hold who! (Just like grandparents do on earth!)

I chose a picture of our church - which I guess is also their church. They attended many services, heard many sermons, hymns and me singing - I think it's an appropriate picture for today. 

10.9.13 - Music

Day 9- Music

As a musician (high school choir director and director of music at church) my life is surrounded with music. There are many songs that make me think of Leah, Rachel and Gabriel (or that make me think of how much I'm hurting) but the one that is the most powerful is "Lullabye (Goodnight, My Angel)" by Billy Joel. 

After they died, Andy shared with me how he had songs running through his head for each of them.  (I hope he doesn't mind me sharing). Leah's song is "Lullabye" Rachel's song is "Homesick" by MercyMe and Gabriel's song is "Joseph's Lullaby" also by MercyMe. When we saw them, together for the first and last time, Andy sang a verse of "Lullabye" to them. That will always be the song I hear when I think of them. And they will always be my first thoughts when I hear that song. 

Goodnight, my angel, time to close your eyes

And save these questions for another day 

I think I know what you've been asking me 

I think you know what I've been trying to say 

I promised I would never leave you

And you should always know

Wherever you may go, no matter where you are

I never will be far away

Goodnight, my angel, now it's time to sleep

And still so many things I want to say

Remember all the songs you sang for me

When we went sailing on an Emerald Bay

 And like a boat out on the ocean

I'm rocking you to sleep

The water's dark and deep inside this ancient heart

You'll always be a part of me

Goodnight, my angel, not it's time to dream

And dream how wonderful your life will be

Someday your child may cry, and if you sing this lullabye

Then in your heart there will always be a part of me

Someday we'll all be gone, but lullabies go on an on.  They never die, that's how you and I will be. 

10.7.13 - You Now

Day 7 - You Now

Where are you in your grief right now?  How are you feeling?  Are you wrestling with anything?  Is your heart heavier or lighter now?

Right now, in this exact moment, I'm happy. Right now, in this moment of my grief, I've accepted and am doing ok - I'd even say I'm doing well. But that doesn't mean that I don't have bad moments or bad days. 

But I've learned that it's ok to be happy. It's ok to smile during the storm. 

Most days I'm doing well, but then will have very difficult moments where a trigger gets pulled and I lose it. Truly , most of the time I can think of Leah, Rachel and Gabriel and SMILE! I was even able to talk about them and smile and not completely breakdown (progress)

My heart is definitely heavier in good and bad ways. It's heavier because it's taken on more - I'm loving more - than I knew possible.  But it's also heavier because the weight of missing them is so much. 

But like I said - I know it's ok to be happy, that's why I chose a picture of Andy and I smiling on vacation this summer. We can still love, still smile, still breathe, still stand through this storm...

10.6.13 - Rituals

Day 6 - Rituals

On the 27th of every month I light their candles. It's the only time I light these particular candles and remove whatever decorations may be on the mantle and put their candles front and center for the evening. 

It may not be a big ritual, but it's important to me. 

10.5.13 - Memory

Day 5 - Memory

One of my favorite memories of the triplets was the moments we found out that our "identicals" we're girls and we were also having a boy!  I will never forget Andy's face when the technician told us. 

One other highlight would have to be when I started feeling them kick and move -especially the few times I could feel ALL THREE moving. 

I very blessed to have these memories, even if there aren't as many as I had hoped.  

10.4.13 - Legacy

Day 4 - Legacy

The legacy that Leah, Rachel and Gabriel leave is hope.

Even through all our complications, and even during their labors, they always gave me hope. Hope that even if Leah's water broke, we wouldn't go right into labor (and we didn't! She lasted over two more weeks!) hope that even though they were born at 23 weeks they still might survive - and Rachel did for a few hours. Hope that while nothing has turned out the way we ever would've wanted, that we and they have made a positive impact on all we've come into contact.

Always, always, hope...

10.3.13 - Myths

Day 3 - Myths

(Do I believer there are any myths about grief?)

The first time someone said to me "I'm really sorry to hear about what happened... But at least you're young!" It really took me by surprise. I think I stood there with a blank look on my face and then walked away. 

"At least I'm young"?!?! As if my age has anything to do with this sorrow. As if my age makes it easier to deal with the death of my children?

It took me awhile to realize they (yes, more than one person said that to me) that what they were trying to say was I am young so I can still have more children, but that simple phrase really hurt. 

My age has nothing to do with this grief.  Grief is grief - pain is pain - sadness is sadness regardless of your age. I know this to be true because I see the grief, pain and sadness in my parents and they're older than me. I know this to be true because I also see moments of grief in J and he's only 6. 

You're right, I'm glad I'm young and still "have time" to have more children, but that doesn't make me love or miss Leah, Rachel and Gabriel any less. 

10.2.13 - Identity

Day 2 - Identity

I almost always refer to Leah, Rachel and Gabriel as "the triplets" or "our babies" but because this is about their own unique identity, I'm going to talk about each one separately. 

Leah Naomi - we chose Leah before we were pregnant (as we did with all their first names) we really liked the name. About a week before Leah was born we realized we hadn't found her a middle name. After reading through many names, we both noticed that multiple times our minds went back to Naomi. 

Leah means "weary, tired" and Naomi means "pleasant, delightful". 

Leah was born on May 27, 2013 at 5:52 am, weighing 1 pound 4 ounces and was 11.25 inches long.  She took very few breaths on this earth before she became an angel

Rachel Elizabeth - Rachel was the other girls name that we chose and Elizabeth is my middle name (and my great grandmother's name). 

Rachel means "ewe, female sheep" and Elizabeth  means "my God is an oath, pledged to God". 

Rachel was born on May 27, 2013 at 8:40am weighing 1 pound 7 ounces and was 11.5 inches long. Rachel fought so very hard to breathe and live for a few hours, but she simply was too small/lungs were under developed to survive. 

Gabriel Andrew - As mentioned, Gabriel was a name we loved for a boy and Andrew is my husband's name. 

Gabriel means "God is my strength" and Andrew means "strong, manly, brave". I often though of Gabriel as Leah and Rachel's guadian angel. When the girls were fighting TTTS, Gabe was just hanging out "above" them making sure nothing bad happened. 

Gabriel was born still on May 27, 2013 at 2:05pm weighing 1 pound 6 ounces and was 11.5 inches long. 

10.1.13 - Sunrise

I have decided this October to participate in "Capture Your Grief" where I'll be taking and posting pictures (hopefully) every day as part of documenting this grief journey. 

The month begins with the sunrise. Living in the city, you can't often capture the actual sunrise like you could if you were near water or an open field, but I can still find beauty and warmth in the sunrise - even if it's been up for a half hour before I could see it. 

Day 1 - Sunrise - Cleveland, OH